Playing at Grown Up

Me: A Chicagoan back on home turf; a lawyer; missing my second home of Amsterdam.

Apr 23

Here’s where I’m headed for three blissful days in June… Tulum. 

Already dreaming about white sand beaches, margaritas, and fresh seafood.

Sonoma to tackle first (this weekend!) then May, then Mexico. Fun.



Apr 11

Mar 21

Violation

I was out of town this week. I went to Mexico with great friends and I got tan and drank tequila and gained approximately one million quesadilla pounds. It was perfect.

Except. While I was gone someone broke in my apartment. Someone pushed in a window and rifled through my things. It seemed at first that nothing was taken - my watch, a pair of good earrings, a necklace, were all there. But I discovered upon my return that this horrible person, or these horrible people, did take things. Important heirloom pieces that I can never replace. Pieces that are likely in a pawn shop now, being picked over yet again, sold for a fraction of their actual and sentimental worth.

I am happy to be safe. I am happy my sweet little cat is safe. I have taken new measures so this will never happen again. But I feel so violated, so anxious, and now so angry at the loss of these possessions. They’re just things. But they’re important things. And they’re MY things.

I’ll move on, forget the ring I can no longer wear, the earrings that I won’t get to pass along to my daughter one day, but I will not forget this sense of violation of my home, my security, me.

Onward. But I hope these thieving bastards get caught for something else.


Mar 19
Sunset in Mexico.

Sunset in Mexico.


Mar 15
Mexico. Heaven.

Mexico. Heaven.


Mar 9
“Delete her number.

Stop ringing her. Stop messaging her. Stop making excuses to see her, to drop by her place.

Erase her name from memory. Remove yourself from her life, more completely than you would like but as completely as she deserves. Move on, so that you can allow her to also move on. When you close your eyes, you don’t get to see her face. Not anymore. You don’t get to think about her lips, the warm glow of her skin when she rests next to you, or how she squeezes your hand in her sleep. You are not allowed to remember the smell of her perfume, that she only drinks mint tea (with two dollops of honey), or that she loves you.

She loves you.

She has been in love with you for too long.

So, forget how she says your name. Forget how she calls your name. Forget how she screams your name. Forget that time you got sick and she stayed up with you all night, letting you lay your head in her lap and holding a cold compress to your forehead. Forget how her hair feels in your fingers. Forget how she looks in your sweatshirts.

Forget her.

Know only that she existed at one point in your life, but relinquish all hope that she could exist at another point — sometime in the future that you are unwilling to specify because you don’t know what you want. Yet. It is not fair for you to swoop in and out of her life as you choose. It is not fair for you to say that you are satisfied with “things as they are” and you will have time to “figure it out” later. Let her stop investing emotionally in you. Let her pour that love and care into the people who deserve her.

Don’t tell her that you think about her all the time. Don’t tell her that it bothers you to hear about her with other people, but that you’re willing to understand as long as she likes you more than them. Don’t tell her that this isn’t the right moment but that there will be a right moment. There is not going to be a right moment. She shouldn’t have to wait for the right moment.

Don’t tell her that you can’t handle ultimatums, that you don’t like the idea of finally adding finality to your relationship — whatever still remains of it.

What you are telling her is that you want to keep her on as an option, that you are taking her for granted, that you want to know she will be there, that you can depend on her at the end of the day. When you find that no one else has stuck around or that those who have are less interesting, less thoughtful, or less doggedly loyal to you.

Doggedly loyal to you.

That is what she has been to you, for you almost as long as you have known her: a constant emotional crutch, the guarantee of stability, a safety net while you reachvout to grasp objects that sparkle and shine far greater than she does. All that glitters is not gold, haven’t you heard?

She is fire. You are ice, and you are afraid that her slow burn will smolder your cool, hard demeanor. That’s what has driven your decisions, your actions all along: fear. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You are terrified to let her go, but you are afraid she is too good for you, that she could drive you wild, that you would choke on her flames. That she is too much for you to handle right now.

Right now.

But if you choose not to love her now, you can’t choose to love her later.”

Holy shit. This said all I have been trying to say, but haven’t been able to. (via girlwithcurlsandglasses)

I love this. Does anyone know what it is from?

(via babybirdblue)

This!

(via wineandglitterplease)

(via wineandglitterplease)


pinkseersucker:

Best Saturday.

Look at those tooths!

pinkseersucker:

Best Saturday.

Look at those tooths!


Jan 31
monkeychow:

It’s about to go down. (On Sunday.)

Seriously the best snack ever. I dream about planning trips to Texas just to get it in its native environment.

monkeychow:

It’s about to go down. (On Sunday.)

Seriously the best snack ever. I dream about planning trips to Texas just to get it in its native environment.


Jan 28
tallgirltales:

Red Velvet Chocolate-Swirl Brownie Bars by Averie Cooks
I think I’ve found my contribution to this Sunday’s Super Bowl party!

Want.

tallgirltales:

Red Velvet Chocolate-Swirl Brownie Bars by Averie Cooks

I think I’ve found my contribution to this Sunday’s Super Bowl party!

Want.


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